A Resolution to Change the University of Texas
School Song to Something That Sucks Less
WHEREAS: Many students at the University of Texas including a preponderance of players on the school's vaunted football team have protested the school song, The Eyes of Texas, because of alleged racist origins and undertones; and
WHEREAS: The Eyes of Texas may be racist but is definitely creepy with Orwellian, totalitarian overtones; and
WHEREAS: A school song that sounds like it's celebrating a government-backed Peeping Tom maybe isn't the best idea; and
WHEREAS: The line saying "you cannot get away" sounds particularly rape-ey; and
WHEREAS: Having young children sing "Do not think you can escape them" produces nightmares later that night; and
WHEREAS: The undisputed minstrel origins of the Eyes of Texas make it hard to defend; and
WHEREAS: The even more undisputable fact that it's a dull, inferior and boring song, put to the tune of a trite and anachronistic anthem, makes its general cultural value equally difficult to defend; and
WHEREAS: The underlying tune, "I've Been Working On The Railroad," is an especially vapid children's song even children do not like; and
WHEREAS: Chinese "coolies" did not work on the railroad "to pass the time away"; and
WHEREAS: Nobody ever came up with a great, UT-specific version for the "Someone's in the kitchen with Dinah" bridge, which is the best part of the song, so Longhorns just sing the boring part; and
WHEREAS: Traditionalists who want to be represented by a boring, anachronistic song will still have the official state song, Texas Our Texas, and may sing it to their heart's content, preferably outdoors in some park or cow pasture where they won't bother neighbors,
BE IT RESOLVED THAT the great state of Texas should commission Ray Wylie Hubbard to write a new school song for the University of Texas, the approval of which will be based on an up or down vote by the UT-Austin student body; and
BE IT FURTHER RESOLVED that Ray Wylie can't just phone it in by submitting "Screw You, We're From Texas," or "Snake Farm," but must produce something original and relatively non-profane; and
BE IT FURTHER RESOLVED upon approval by the UT student body, the University of Texas athletic program must pay Mr. Hubbard whatever they had to pay the last football coach to buy out his contract and leave town,
The Texas Legislature hereby commissions Ray Wylie Hubbard to write a new school song for the University of Texas that sucks significantly less than the current one.
May God Bless Texas.
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14 comments:
Do you know why we can fly a helicopter on Mars but couldn’t turn on a light in Texas?
Because scientists are in charge of Mars, and Republicans are in charge of Texas.
So that begs the question: Besides the humor this represents, forwhat purpose do you want to introduce such a resolution that will almost certainly be pronounced dead on arrival ? Maybe just to watch how fast they kill it? That might be entertaining nad with noting for posterity..
In any case, I’d like to propose a small modification, If you really want to see the heads of Texas Legislators explode, substitute Flaco Jimenez or Beto y Los Fairlanes for Ray Wylie Hubbard. Or Beyoncé. Beyoncé works. And she’s a Texan.
Well, DOA is why it's in a blog post and not being walked around the halls of the capitol. It's 100% satire: a Saturday morning lark. The Texas Tribune reported how the billionaires came unglued when the football players proposed changing the EOT; nobody's fighting that short of a work stoppage by the players themselves.
As for the choice of songwriters, Beyonce'd be my first pick to perform it, but RWH is more of a wordsmith, more laser focused on a Texan audience, and the result would be fun for students. I'm also willing to bet he's perfectly capable of making "the heads of Texas Legislators explode." Heck, Bun B would be a fun choice, or for a spicier flavor, Megan Thee Stallion, if RWH's unmitigated whiteness is the concern. Beto, maybe, he's sort of from RWH's generation, but Flaco's gotta be getting up there. Maybe let him and Willie rest.
Regardless, I'm sure the choice of songwriter would be a subject of some debate if such a thing ever made it to the House floor.
Please send this to the Daily Texan!
So now you are AGAINST the idea of noblesse oblige? You don't think our next generation of leaders should be reminded that the People will be watching what they do?
Why is it all of a sudden SOMEBODY IS OFFENDED BY SOMETHING & in the past NOBODY WAS OFFENDED BY ANYTHING until all the BLM crap started!!!
E. Rose, 2 things: 1) maybe folks were offended previously and you were just ignorant about their grievances, and 2) the EOT was a shit song for GENERATIONS bf BLM. Hell, I had that conversation in college while at UT. It's just the truth.
Phelps, as is often the case I have no idea what you're talking about and it doesn't relate much to what I've written. I'm against artless hackery, which describes the EOT to a T. If you want to imagine it's an ode to noblesse oblige cooked up at a minstrel show, no one can stop you. But the football players' interpretation is not unreasonable. It's a lame song no one would miss.
“No one would miss” is dehumanizing language intended to imply that the people who would miss it are less than human.
Live up t your own rules.
...sounds like hell!
What a creepy song! I'd love to see it changed.
I suggest the following: Find a short, easily-shared video of the creepy song being performed. Post it on Reddit for maximum action. A bit of effort, but the outpouring of public support will be worth it. r/todayIlearned is a good choice, among other subreddits.
Phelps, I'm not implying that people who would miss it are subhuman. I'm saying those people have terrible musical tastes and if a decent song replaced it, nobody would miss the inferior product. In just a few years, the EOT would be as popular as landlines. People sing it out of obligation and nostalgia, not because it's a good song or enjoyable to sing. It's not.
What's wrong with nostalgia?
Re-read the resolution, Phelps. It's all there.
The resolution is a fever dream rant about a conspiracy theory involving peeping toms and Asian American railroad builders.
I was hoping that your thinking was a little more reasonable and less, I guess, insane.
I have been disappointed. It's just another blue-anon mania.
Submitted for your approval, revised lyrics for Eyes of Texas:
The Eyes of Texas are upon you
All the livelong day
The Eyes of Texas are upon you
You best not look away
All races, creeds, and colors
Proudly we can
All Eyes of Texas are upon us
Let Longhorns lead the way!
HOOK'EM
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