Thursday, August 16, 2007

Can you think of eleven different felonies you could commit with an oyster?

Texas' overcriminalization trivializes 'real' crimes, writes Marc Levin of the conservative Texas Public Policy Foundation in the Houston Chronicle. I laughed out loud when he announced that eleven of the 2,324 felonies created by the Texas Legislature related to oysters.

Can you think of eleven different felonies you could commit with an oyster?

"Between now and the next legislative session," Levin recommends, "Texas lawmakers should identify some of the thousands of criminal laws to repeal or convert to civil infractions." That's certainly needed; let's hope somebody out there is listening.

Let me know in the comments what oyster-related crimes you think deserve a felony rap.

25 comments:

Nurit said...

Here are the few that I am away of: illegal oyster distribution, dredging for oysters in public at night, takng oysters from restricted areas, taking a cultured aquatic animal, selling a saltwater product without a license, theft of shells or seeds planted for the development of oyster beds, interfering with oyster bed markers, selling sport oysters, fishing for oysters without a license

Nurit said...

that was "aware of" even though I'm mentally "away".

Gritsforbreakfast said...

It's really weird that you know that!

Anonymous said...

"Illegal oyster distribution" is a felony?

No wonder the stupid prisons are full.

Anonymous said...

Nurit, you just touched the tip of the ice berg here ! Fishing for oysters is actually "kidnapping".
Downloading pictures of nude oysters , agg. assault with a fishnet, exposing yourself to an underage oyster ( really bad!), serving alcohol to an underage oyster ( always check the oyster's age before you cook them in wine!). Should I go on ?

Anonymous said...

I noticed this says " a crime committed with an oyster", that changes things considerably . That says the oyster was an accomplice and in the State of Texas there is a law of parties . If you are anywhere near the perpetrator when he commits the crime , you get the same penalty , in other wordsif it is a capital offense the oyster could get fried !
It's time now to go where Nurit went, mentally away !

Christie Donner, Ex. Director and Pamela Clifton, Outreach Coordinator said...

Are there enhancement laws in place for felonious oyster crimes within 1,000 feet of a school?

Anonymous said...

Hurling one at a Texas lawmaker?

Gritsforbreakfast said...

Fark.com linked to this item and noted, hilariously, that of the 11 oyster-related crimes, none requires sex offender registration. A commenter suggested that sounded like a challenge!

Max Edison said...

What about impersonating an oyster, and working below the federal minimum wage for crustaceans?

Anonymous said...

exposing ones hairy oysters is a crime

Mr. Anxiety said...

Joe: What are you in for, Jim?
Jim: Capital murder, you?
Joe: uh......oysters.

Anonymous said...

Max, you kill me.

Anonymous said...

how bout putting an oyster in a sock and beating someone half to death with it???

Anonymous said...

Gritsforbreakfast said...

Fark.com linked to this item and noted, hilariously, that of the 11 oyster-related crimes, none requires sex offender registration.


You just aren't trying hard enough.

Anonymous said...

When I robbed a bank last year, an oyster drove my getaway car.

Anonymous said...

I hope the servers can handle your fark - that's where I first saw it. I posted on another link in your blog about this, but incase the masses miss it, I'll say it again ....

Since I live in Texas, it seems that "everything I do is either illegal, immoral or fattening".

Love,
Anonynothing Whatever

P.S. That little saying is burned into a little wooden sign my grandmother gave to me (RIP Audie - 1900-1972) that I have hanging on my wall. I look at and laugh every day. But after I have read this (thanks for the enlightenment; I will try to keep my head out of my arse about these things now), it's sadly scary.

Jeremy said...

Using an oyster shell as a highly deadly shureken....That's a paddlin. Eating oysters after Labor Day.....That's a paddlin. Paddlin through an oyster bed....Oh you better belive thats a paddlin.

Nurit said...

shucks! if i shuck my oysters in bed, it might require some kind of registration or at least a paddlin. BTW, grits, my brother always said I seemed to only remember the weird stuff...like the eskimo fishing song. Still mentally away and enjoying every minute.

Thanks for the chortle, folks. What a great way to enter the weekend!

Nurit said...

OK, true confession. When Forrest Forrest Gump came out, I researched shrimp to see if I could find some other then the long list that Forrest Forrest spouted. In the process, I came across research and articles on other salt water critters and it was all downhill from there; down under; on the half shell. So now you know that I really do know stuff even though no stuff can beat an oyster stuffing.

Nurit said...

uh oh! that was probably a felony stuffin an oyster like that

Anonymous said...

If there's anything I can do to help these poor innocents, please contact me at
The New England Home for Battered Shellfish

The Wordsmith said...

Reminds me of the famous incident, where a man dressed as Ronald McDonald wearing an IRA shirt was arrested for selling oysters at a porn shop.

oyster said...

Eating oysters from outside the Gulf Coast is a crime in my book.

CraigO said...

""Illegal oyster distribution" is a felony?"

Damn, I once managed an oyster bar and gave away several dozen on the half shell. Twenty years ago so I hope the statute of limitations has expired.